Avocado Avocat: Scattered Seeds
Sunday, August 04, 2019
You're familiar with the sucky cycle.
You were born. You go to school. Then you work all your life. And then you die.
You're even lucky if you get to complete the entire cycle at this order.
But don't you think this is a bit meaningless way to live?
I mean, our parents put so much emphasis on 20, 30 years that we get to spend working that it dictates the first 20 years of how they raise us.
They strive to put us in a good school so we can get decent jobs.
And they expect us to WORK FOR ALL OF THE REMAINDER OF OUR LIVES. Or rather, slave away for all the days of our lives.
It's just sad.
When I was still working back in corporate, I think about my job 90% of the time.
I only "live" during the weekends.
I forgot about my truest desires.
I even skipped praying or meditating in the morning.
I almost ignored my family (I can't even afford to file a leave to go accompany my mother to the airport when she flies home after her 1-week vacation with me.
Because I have too much in my mind and I need to get to work.
I don't want to be miserable like that for the rest of my life.
And do you know how much little we get to spend with family?
Only 37 minutes of quality time on weekdays. (American families, but I think it's pretty much the same with us Filipinos.
A dear friend once told me when we were still in college...
He dreads the day of having to go back home with his parents, not in it.
He was talking about the future. And he was planning to work abroad.
And, honestly, I think that was stupid and crazy that time...
To think about that when we haven't even begun our adulthood.
But when I think about it today, the fear is totally valid--I'm feeling it too.
I guess he was just more mature than I was 10 years ago.
The sad thing is...
He lived with this fear.
He's abroad. And he only sees his parents and siblings once every x years.
And I didn't want that for me.
I didn't want that for everybody really.
Yeah, we can sure Skype them, but we can't feel their warmth, dry their tears or roll our eyes in front of them when the situation calls for it. Lol.
My dogs prepped me up for the adulthood that I want
I wasn't aware of this, but it was my dogs (BoomBoom especially) who taught me to choose family.
I only get to live with them for 3,4 years and then I started leaving them for months (or years even) because I have to fly out to work.
The first time that I left, my heart was broken into a million pieces.
I can't bear to look at them because I felt that I have betrayed them. I am leaving them. I won't be able to take care of them every day. I am abandoning them.
F*ck, it still kinda stings when I think about it.
That's why I sort of promised myself that if ever I have kids, I won't go anywhere. I'll just be with them at home. Taking care of them. Enjoying every day with them.
And I am just soooooooo blessed that I am able to do that for Jeerux.
That's why I'm always going to be happy that I pursued my research on how to work from home when I was still in college and during the first few years of my career. :)
That's why I'm always grateful for being able to freelance.
And for God's gift (of writing) to me.
And for mom's guidance. And for the insistence that I enroll in all the summer workshops that she can find in our province.
I guess what I have today is a multi-fecta of all those speech, art, writing, drawing workshops.
But I still failed big time.
A few months ago, I got so busy with client work, baby, and everything else that I didn't get to take care of BoomBoom and Stephie (my dogs who I managed to get to live with us here).
And then BoomBoom left without me being there for him every day. He was 10.
I felt he was going to reach 15 if only I was more caring and more available for him.
I will always blame myself for his death.
But I won't let that lesson be in vain.
I can only give so much of myself away
I was burnt out.
Baby has changed sleeping patterns.
I was chronically tired.
Work became too demanding all of a sudden.
Baby has changed sleeping patterns.
I was chronically tired.
Work became too demanding all of a sudden.
I wanted to get a lot of wins because I was encouraged by the wins of my tribe members.
But that steered me away from my BIGGEST WHY for freelancing:
To be available to my family, to spend as much time with them, and to make them happy.
So at Q2 of this year,
But that steered me away from my BIGGEST WHY for freelancing:
To be available to my family, to spend as much time with them, and to make them happy.
So at Q2 of this year,
I'm focusing on family.
And I'm pivoting my plan.
And I'm going to be content.
And I'm pivoting my plan.
And I'm going to be content.
The drama trigger
I was having all these thoughts all of a sudden because of the special weekend.
I get to spend Saturday and Sunday with my family and my husband's family.
My WHYs. <3
And it was the best.
Mom was missing because she's in Ilo.
But the time spent with them just makes me remember why I do all that I do.
I get to spend Saturday and Sunday with my family and my husband's family.
My WHYs. <3
And it was the best.
Mom was missing because she's in Ilo.
But the time spent with them just makes me remember why I do all that I do.
I feel happy that I am able to spend time with them.
That I get to spoil them a little even for just a day. (I used to get so stressed about Christmas shopping 5 years ago!)
That I get to spoil them a little even for just a day. (I used to get so stressed about Christmas shopping 5 years ago!)
I feel happy that we get to do this because we are all in Pinas. We can get together if we want to.
Most of all, I feel joy for seeing Jeerux enjoy their presence and love. He was the happiest kid this weekend.
He likes being around his family.
He even cried when we said our goodbyes.
But that's life.
Families are like scattered seeds--the wind gets us where it needs us to. We can only resist for a bit.But we always remember that we're all from the same tree and we will always remain connected.
I intend for Jeerux--and the rest of my family--to have his days like these.
With each other, emotionally and physically. <3
P.S. The Avocado Avocat is a hand cream I bought today! Rubbing on my hands now so I still do client work for an hour. ;)
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