When You've Got Way Overdue Bucketlist Items and God Decided to Intervene
I finally crossed 10-year old items on my bucketlist, but you know what it took me to do all that?My 72-year old aunt's death...
But, guess what, I've crossed them out now.
It always feels like I have ALL the time in the world to accomplish them later because they don't really contribute to my BIG, AUDACIOUS, and SEXY goal like closing $10-$15k deals for our copywriting agency.
When my entire family got Covid when August started (detailed testimony here), it felt like it was the end.
See, that day, I got a lot of anxiety triggers (yep, I do have anxiety):
- I knew that I was positive (just lost my sense of taste and smell) when I brushed my teeth and Colgate tasted like this rubbery mud that I'm hopelessly brushing on my teeth.
- Nana was just taken out by the ambulance and I was changing her bed sheets and I was out of breath. My boys were outside the home and I wanted to do everything to protect them from this effing virus. The situation felt bleak, cruel, and unfair.
- The ICU just called me, telling me that my nana was actually diabetic and there's this heart health count that was in the 15k range when the actual range should just be 50-ish. In short, she's in a critical condition right now.
- I had to excuse myself from the family chat because my head was spinning and there's just too many decisions to be made at that moment and I wanted them to cover for me. Then my mom called and I was expecting words of comfort, (maybe she missed my message), but she started with, "So here's Nana's situation", and that was the last straw—I lost it and I welcomed Miss Panic into my home and even served her warm Earl Grey tea. Yay me. Ugh.
Long story short.
It's just us 3 now. And it's a HUMONGOUS change for us.
We are used to having someone in the house help us--nana, my mom, Eunice, nani. Now, it's like we're forced to evolve and I believe this is the growth God wants us to undergo.
Nani and nana will take the room upstairs. Or nana can take the small one downstairs so she doesn't need to walk up the stairs.
I'm going to design a cute kitchen because Nana loves to cook and we love her dishes. She has books upon books of handwritten recipes.
I remembered asking Jesus to make my husband become the rock that I needed through tough times. And He did. He did.
But it seems like God wanted us 3 to go through this journey alone for now.
All of us were positive. My husband was the only one who's negative in the house and he had to take care of what? 4 Covid patients.
The entire time, he was in his calmest, nurturing, and caring state. I've expected him to freak out and lose his shit, but he didn't. He was always in his sharpest state, knowing what to do to save our lives. Calm me down for 2 hours during my panic attack. Take care of our 3-year old and feed him. Drive nana to the hospital and not eating his meals. Putting Oxygen on me, nana, or nani. Talking to my cousins and my other tita to get the help that we badly needed during those times.
You could imagine all the things he did for us. For my family. Like it was his own. He was the one who pushed the hardest to save me and my aunts, especially my nana.
Same with his family. I always get messages from them on how I can overcome this and how they've battled the same situation and how the youngest could just hop on a plane and be with us, all we have to do is tell him.
It was a thousand of things and transformations and heartaches and agonies happening all at once.
But it was God's will. And we had to accept it.
So the time for me wishing to be this more spiritual person, more loving mother, and a better wife has ended.
Because I am now that. In a snap of a finger, I became all that.
And not only that...
My husband was stronger. We had improved our relationship, definitely. I have grown closer to my cousin, Kaye (we had convos we wouldn't had have before) and my friends too.
Most of all, I've embraced the Lord 100%.
I used to have a spiritual gap because my dad died when I reached out to the Lord. That was when I joined Youth for Christ when I was 16. A few weeks later, my dad died.
And I'm sort of in the same situation right now.
I finally found a Lifegroup with mompreneurs din a week after our Covid situation. And I felt the same betrayal from Him because my nana died.
But mom told me not to take it negatively.
It's His way of drawing me closer to Him.
And indeed, it is.
Now, I'm more committed to the Lord. Maybe he wants me to spread the Good Words. To be a channel of blessing and testimonies to get more people to believe in Him.
And that's just what I'm gonna do.
I'll be opening my faith for others to see. Build a God-centered life. Share testimonies (since I write way too much lol).
He tried to send me the message 18 years ago, and a year ago when my 11-year old dog died. It had to take a life-shattering situation to get me to listen. I still don't understand on why it has to be my nana.
But, I'll accept this for now.
I know I'm hardheaded, but not anymore, my Lord. Not anymore...
📸 Photo by Camille Brodard on Unsplash
