It's Day 21 since the Lockdown. 

A fucking lot has happened since the last time I wrote here.

Corona happened and it literally stopped the world.

Well, the humans, that is.

Mother Earth was happier. And so were the animals.

Dolphins started swimming back through the Venice canals. Air pollution was down that the entire sky is clearer now. The ozone layer is healing.

But the thing is.

The whole world has changed, but you know what.

My work is still the same. My clients were all okay and I haven't lost a client. In fact, I had new projects and there was more work that I have to pass it out to 3 more writers. They were cousins and friends. They have their work paused so I was happy to pass on jobs to them.

Freelancer friends have lost clients.

That's why I'm having a hard time accepting that the world is different.

I should feel depressed because of all that is happening around me.

Politics is a circus. The activists felt like they should be given the credit when the government started to do its job. The poor are becoming more desperate and getting worse. There are doctors dying. Nurses are forced to work without PPE's.

Everybody is scared.

But how come I feel calm inside?

Grateful even?

See, I have this belief that if everything is going well, something bad is about to happen. I just can't get this out of my system because the first time I felt this, my dad died the following months.

That's why I sort of like it when we have problems because I know that's how life should work--and that at least nobody is dying this time.

Although my mentor told me that I should get rid of this mindset and replace it with,

If things are going well, then they could be better. 

But I still feel there's something wrong with me.

I feel sorry for all the other people that's why I make up for my lack of stirred emotions by helping others dip their feet into freelancing. Donating small amounts. Supporting families that aren't with us right now.

IS that enough?

I should also take the time off to pray a little harder.

The only time when I got so worried was when baby was sick, shitting several times a day and having a fever for a day. But that went away after a couple of days. Thanks to his pedia who gave out medicine instructions over Viber.

But I am still feeling yellow inside and I feel guilty about it. :(

Is there something wrong with me?

My toxic positivity is not helping.

Part of my joy is the fact that I get to spend more time with the family who is with me these days. Afternoons are spent outside, chilling. We're laughing, exercising, and hanging out like it's still the 90's.

My husband was extra caring about other people too. He just handed out Tostitos--his favorite snack ever--to our neighbor and is planning to give out a pack of white rice to them too. He was also asking me how we can donate.

We've donated small amounts, but we plan to continue it weekly so we get to help in our own little ways.

I just feel like there's something more that I can do.

I feel weird because after all these, I still have that will to grow. I'm attending classes, I'm growing my business, I'm working ultra hard for my clients.

Should I stop and focus on other things at this point?

I dunno but maybe this is how I grieve. This is how I cope.

I just hope that we can do more for the people who need help the most.

I just hope that people find joy from this quarantine like I do but clearly that's being insensitive. Because they can't. They have no food. They've lost loved ones. They are uncertain about the future.

But then here I am, feeling so positive and cheery for the future. :(

And although it should feel good, it doesn't.



Vladislav Muslakov